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When Life Experience Lacks Integration

What does it mean to live with a dissociative identity?

My experience, my life, my identity, my perceptions all lack integration.

When I experience sorrow, I literally lose the ability to remember ever being happy.

When I experience joy, I lose the ability to incorporate the depths of growth & wisdom gained through painful traumas.

When I experience depression, I lose the ability to experience genuine gratitude or authentic hope.

{*Note: it is NOT phrased "When I am depressed" because my identity is NOT defined by my experience, including mental disorder symptoms.}

My life experience lacks integration.

My emotions lack integration.

My perceptions lack consistency due to a lack of integration.

When I perceive one aspect of myself, I lose sight of all others: even when a friend lovingly attempts to guide me towards seeing myself as a whole, I am unable to grasp anything other than the singular aspect I am perceiving.

If I am ambitious, my entire identity is in being productive.

If I must rest, my entire identity is in healing.

If I am experiencing PTSD symptoms/flashbacks, my entire identity is in being traumatized.

My entire identity meaning my perception of self ("this is who I am") & of my worth ("I have value when I ___").

My identity lacks integration.

My perception of self lacks integration.

Knowledge of my worth lacks consistency due to lack of integration.

Integrating parts means improving their capacity to connect & communicate so these experiences & struggles & limitations are not all so isolated: when I experience sorrow, I will remember that joy also exists in this life experience; when I experience hardship, I will remember that courage that conquers is also part of my identity.

For now, daily dissociation is still debilitating. I am either completely dissociated to an alternate state of consciousness, or I am so viciously blended that I am even more disabled than when completely dissociated. {This is Felicity "speaking," the going on with normal life self/part who is required to use the frontal lobes of the brain & our prefrontal cortex, which is SUPER necessary for functioning.}

I dissociate when I experience stimuli.

I dissociate when I experience emotions.

I dissociate when I swallow pills or capsules {medicine or supplements}.

I dissociate when I go to the bathroom.

I dissociate when I try to relax.

I dissociate when I try to focus.

I dissociate during conversations.

I dissociate while watching television.

I dissociate while meditating.

I dissociate during the process of waking up in the morning.

I dissociate during the process of preparing for bed at night.

I dissociate when I'm sad.

I dissociate when I'm embarrassed.

I dissociate when I'm frustrated.

I dissociate when I'm feeling romantic.

I dissociate when I worry too much.

I dissociate when I'm stressed.

I dissociate when I'm overwhelmed.

I dissociate when I'm not relationally connected with the people around me, such as family or coworkers: anyone I am presently interacting with in a physical way on a regular/ consistent basis.