During ninth grade, Monika, an alter within my (Kristin's) dissociative identity was the host of the dissociative identity, meaning that she was the one "fronting," the part of consciousness present in the body both experiencing & responding to external life/reality.
Her primary methods of coping are still effective today, the second of the two primary methods being poetry & writing out her feelings & describing her emotional experiences in either an abstract manner or in a storyline others could relate to somehow.
During high school, Monika wrote hundreds if not thousands of poems, which I (Kristin) find truly incredible. She was completely dedicated to expressing her emotions without upsetting life in any capacity, which meant keeping her pain to herself while still finding a silent way to express it. During class in school & at our desk at home, she scribbled away in notebooks, on loose-leaf binder paper, on random scratch paper, & even on pairs of jeans & all over her body repeatedly.
Her writings expressed a never-ending sorrow that was indescribably more painful than ordinary sadness, a heart so completely broken & shattered that it could never be mended, & loneliness that was worse than the hell described in the religious teachings of Christianity. Monika wrote about the haunting terrors of the voices within her head, screaming in pain. She wrote about the ever-darkening depression that was quite literally threatening her life. She let it all out.
But now, she doesn't know how to anymore. We've worked SO very hard to suppress all such darkness simply because it was necessary for survival.
Now, however, the tides have shifted, &, in order to get to where I need to be, I MUST allow those emotions to be addressed & expressed. I (Kristin) fear it deeply, & that holds Monika back.
Our goal for 2018 is to encourage Monika to express herself in healthy ways, especially poetry. Hopefully this will help reduce self-harm & other forms of depressive & even life-threatening episodes.
We thank you deeply for joining our crazy journey of healing, self-discovery, & personal growth.
Please enjoy a variety of poetry below. They are written from various times over the past ten years, some written by Kristin & some by Monika, with more to come, hopefully! :)