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Hi. I'm Monika Kyler.


I’m Monika Kyler, an alternate state of consciousness within the dissociative identity of Kristin Windsor. I changed my last name because I wanted to declare independence from my family, my dad especially. It was "officially changed" in 2014 when my parents cut me off financially & we entered a severe state of dissociative suicidal depression—which was, at the time, believed to be generic/ unexplained psychosis stemming from chronic depression. I’d wanted to change my last name since existing at age 14, but we lived under our parent’s house then, & under “their thumb” during college because we were financially dependent on them. (Kristin is grateful to have an Associate of Arts degree in English debt-free, but it’s done us no good & it was a shitty journey to get there, so I don’t see the damn point of it all, but whatever.) Sooo. I’m an alter. I’m new to being able to express myself. It’s weird, honestly. I think I’ll learn to like it—only because I know I once felt great relief from expressing myself through writing, especially poetry & uncensored journal entries, during high school. I’m “emo”… “punk rock”… “head banger”… “antisocial”… whatever the fuck label you want to slap on me… But I’m… well, ME… Monika Kyler… my own person, in a manner of speaking… I've been out more lately since returning to California because my memories are mostly here, on this property, in this home, & it triggers me: triggers memories & brings me forward, out...

I harbor deep anger, which makes engaging with other challenging without having an edge in my voice &/or utilizing a variety of repetitive cuss words. Kristin is trying to help me find healthy ways to express myself, & trying to isolate me in the meantime so I don't cause problems for our living situation & for her family... I’m fairly antisocial. People kind of just fucking suck anyways, so what’s the damn point? No one’s ever understood us, or been able to break through & “be there,” whatever that means… I used to know… I used to know exactly what sort of love/ attention/ care I needed to be ohhkay… but I don’t know anymore… I am so out of touch with myself & why I feel the way I feel… It’s all so, buried away, or something… I’m not really sure anymore… But I’m not very good at socializing… I struggle with self-harm… Binge eating is usually the best way to cope… & letting out my anger through music… Writing used to help & I’m hoping it will again one day… Kristin promised to help me work on this… Starting with expressing myself on her poetry website… Feel free to check it out… http://kristinkarina.wixsite.com/kristinchronicles/poetry. I’ve always loved poetry… My chat username was “autonomous poet”… You can read more about that story on the poetry page, though… Anyways, I’m bored of talking about myself… Thanks (to Kristin) for letting me share about myself from me, instead of a third-party introduction like you’d tried before…

—Monika Kyler

Here's my first video blog... Just venting & opening up about things that happened in high school that still really get under my skin, even though Kristin's let it go, to the best of her ability anyways... It's just too much hurt to magically forget, & this brain forces me to stay stuck in that pain as if it all JUST happened, which makes it REALLY challenging to work with Kristin in "getting over it" all...

Anyways, here's my first attempt at a video blog thing like Kristin's been talking about for awhile now... Hopefully expressing myself will begin to bring me healing...

Thank you for caring...

—Monika Kyler


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