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Loving Myself to Heal My Consciousness: A Relational Journey of Enoughness

I was addicted to falling in love. I always had someone on my mind and in my heart. Having a romantic-partner-potential helped me feel real, helped me feel safe, and helped me feel lovable. A large portion of my own life seemed to revolve around who I would marry and how my life would cater to his. I felt like a damsel in distress needing a knight to rescue me. I did not understand that my body was chronically battling traumatic stress unconsciously. I did not know that the attachment-development my brain-body system experienced had been disrupted by trauma. I had no insight about the neurophysiological applications of my consciousness spurring me towards co-dependent relationships. My heart always belonged to someone, but never to myself. My mind was always wrapped up in someone, but never wrapping myself in love. I had no idea that I could be my own knight in shining armor. I had no idea that I could be my own Great Love. Healing deeply and completely, for me personally, means learning to meet the core of my relational needs for myself. I desire to be the primary source that meets my own physical and emotional needs. I love friendships, and I love Love, but I want the energy of those connections to be from an overflow, not from a desperate place of need. I want the love from those interpersonal relationships to increase my flow, but be required to sustain it. I want every part of my consciousness to know that they are loved completely by me, the only person they are guaranteed to spend the rest of their lives with. I want every part of my consciousness to know that they are enough exactly as they are, without needing validation from an outside source. I want every part of my consciousness to know that we are safe and real and complete just as we are, without depending on someone's external presence. I want to show up for all parts of myself no matter what---even through the loneliness, the despair, the heartache, the depression, the tears, the sadness, the grief, the anger, the confusion, the doubt, the chaos, and the pain. I want to be my own best friend, my own Love, my own life partner. I want to embrace all corners of my human existence, which means creating space for every feeling, every part, and every experience, no matter how overwhelming or uncomfortable it may seem. I want to create space for tender experiences of healing love. I want to enjoy my own company unconditionally. I want to gracefully empower myself to take bold action towards my dreams as inspired, pulled by my heart-centered vision without needing to push myself. I want to offer compassionate presence to myself through all life has to offer, regardless of the way I feel through it. I want to transform my own perceptions and expectations within my relationships with self and others. I was addicted to falling in love, but it was never real love; it was illusionary love. And I am worth more than an illusion. I am worthy of the Real Love, the Great Love, of Unconditional Love. Claiming that worthiness begins with extending that kind of love to all aspects of my own self. Only when I heal my intrapersonal relationships can my interpersonal relationships truly thrive.

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