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Shifting Consciousness: the Dangers of Invisible Dissociation.

When I shift to an ANP, I can feel the difference within my “personality,” my identity & conscious thoughts & awareness. I notice it easily with adult ANPs, & I notice it strongly with littles. When I shift to an EP, however, I can hardly tell a difference at all, other than in mood, energy, & motivation, which could all just easily be symptoms of exhaustion or depression—nothing as severe as dissociation.

(This video blog from last year provides insight about EPs & ANPs.)

This is the true danger: being unable to separate myself from these alternate states of consciousness & their core beliefs. For some, the world is disgusting & cruel & pathetic & life isn’t worth it no matter what we do. For some, life is simply so overwhelmingly TERRIFYING that they do not know how to cope with the small stresses of daily life as an adult. When I shift to an EP, I still feel like I am “Kristin.” The thoughts, ideas, observations, desires—it all still feels like ME. But my perception is severely distorted & limited. I slip into only negative thought patterns despite my best efforts. Coping tools are no longer effective in the slightest. Depression worsens. My strength to fight decreases. My energy disappears & I no longer can muster the will to even take care of my basic physical needs. Anything once enjoyable now appears as a chore, threatening any sense of peace left within me. My future feels like a daunting death threat. Death feels like a beautiful nap on a warm summer day. I suddenly despise humans & can no longer bear to interact with them. My ability to hope is nowhere to be found, no matter how hard I try. The fruitlessness of my efforts causes a hopeless cloud to blur all ability to see, & I sentence myself to a lifetime in bed, crawling under the covers in defeat. Only days later when I can feel the wind on my face & taste the sweetness of a blueberry again that I realize I was not actually myself in the slightest: merely an empty shell of myself, an alter who is me without any life left; her spirit has been drained, all hope removed, all tools & resources cut off from her. She is the me who cannot cope with existence. From the pain worldwide to the pain in her heart, she feels nothing but the world’s ruthless cruelty & experiences nothing but deep pain, indescribable sorrow, & terrorizing agony & anger. She is the me with no connection to life. From animals to other human beings, she feels nothing but darkness or emptiness while interacting, so she avoids it. No creativity or updated perspective on the world (maturity & wisdom & insight) or hope for the future. Life simply is not worth it, no matter how hard we try. But because I cannot tell that it is not my true self during that time, it is a dangerous place to mentally be. Cut off from myself… Cut off from the outside world… Cut off from all coping tools, including the energy & creativity to utilize what we know…. It’s truly a dangerous place to be. How can I receive help when it is not effective or I cannot ask for it or I do not even understand what sort of help I need? This pain is indescribably lonely.

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