I couldn’t imagine a life without mental illness.
I couldn’t imagine existing without racing thoughts, intrusive voices, anxiety, panic attacks, insomnia, night terrors, traumatic-stress flashbacks, and dissociation.
I couldn’t imagine my identity existing without the labels of my health battles.
I couldn’t imagine having the opportunity to break free from battles that had constantly been with me since elementary school.
I lost everything: friends, homes, jobs.
Dozens of doctors across multiple cities worked with me until reaching a point where they’d tried everything and could no longer offer me their services because nothing was working.
Healing seemed impossible.
Years of weekly investments led nowhere.
Individual therapies, group therapies, psychiatric medications, workbooks.
No one could get to the bottom of my struggles.
No one could explain why I was having the horrific, terrifying, all-consuming struggles that continued to grow.
No one could extend effective help.
No one could offer me tangible hope.
I felt so alone. I felt so helpless and hopeless.
It seemed my existence was a burden, to myself and those around me, with no hope for anything ever changing or improving.
The healing path seemed never-ending, and things kept getting worse without improving.
I felt terrified of my own existence. I felt miserable about being. I felt so deeply powerless.
In 2017, I discovered neuroscience and began to gain an understanding of my experiences.
Over 2 decades of chronic traumatic-stress had completely rewired my brain-body system, and no amount of talk therapy or medications could change, heal, or transform that.
I decided that I had come too far to give up now, and that no one could offer me power by myself.
I decided that I needed to fight for my wellness from a new angle.
I quit therapy; I quit large dosages of psychiatric medication. I went through the withdrawals and wrestled with my inner demons.
I chose bravery when I felt anything but brave.
I chose power when I felt anything but powerful.
I chose to fight forward when that direction didn’t seem to exist.
I researched neuroscience until I understanding every single thing happening in my brain.
I experimented with coping tricks and recovery resources until I had 100 places to go that would benefit my healing.
I became my own therapist, studying techniques (such as those used by Janina Fisher) and creating protocols to apply them towards myself every day with dedicated discipline.
I invested in meditation and self-hypnosis even when I had literally dozens of voices in my head battling for their lives.
I studied human consciousness along the way.
I identified where the battles were coming from within me, and I created strategies to effectively address them for long-term brain rewiring.
I spent 6-10 hours in meditations at a time, usually more than once/day, every day for 2 years to completely rewire my brain-body systems.
I uncovered traumas that were suppressed, and I processed and released them by being present with them, day after day for years, until every last energetic molecule had been rewired within my unconscious memory systems.
I sang to myself.
I sang loud and boldly and off-key and through tears. When it bothered others, I expressed compassion while simultaneously refusing to apologize for the healing I was creating for myself - the healing that I knew I was worthy of and that was possible, even though no one else had been able to offer it to me.
I cried every day harder than you can possibly imagine. Sobbing wails does not due justice to the intensive purging sound created through my lungs, so desperately fighting for survival and the return of a voice that felt like my own.
I challenged myself.
I challenged the darkness I experienced.
I created space for tender healing moments, sometimes taking up to 6 hours for a single shower ritual.
I slept outside to allow for nature’s stimulus to reduce the traumatic response in my body while laying there deep breathing for hours, moment by moment redirecting my conscious focus towards the sounds of nature, remaining present with every petrifying sensation as they arose.
I recorded thousands of hours of videos to express, process, and reflect.
I filled 30 journals.
I shared my journey along the way, finding it so fascinatingly odd and miraculously strange to be witnessed by others when I did not have the lucidity to witness myself.
I worked relentlessly on a Mind-Body Connection Case Study with Dr. Luka Musich to uncover the mysteries of my dissociative experiences while living with multiple inner persons (diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder).
In the process, I discovered a brand new condition that I call adaptable consciousness condition (ACC), which I understand the neurophysiology of in-depth.
I created language for indescribable experiences of consciousness, including dozens of different types of dissociative experiences of consciousness, filling 25 typed pages of specifics, and creating the Spectrum of Dissociative States, the Spectrum of Age Regression, and the Spectrum of Traumatic Response to express and explain the experiences I was having that made me feel so isolated and alone.