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Childless & Confused.

One of the ANPs (apparently normal parts) within my dissociative identity severely struggles with consistently plaguing emotional experience of being childless. Either Krystal or the romantic struggles immensely with not having a child of her own.

In April of 2012, an incident resembling a miscarriage transpired. We never fully knew whether to grieve & mourn, or laugh & carry on with life, because the cause of the ER trip was never discovered.

"It's probably just stress," said the doctor after several hours of questions & medical tests & evaluations.

At the time, we worked at a children's thrift store called Once Upon a Child, a sister company to Plato's Closet.

One day, while hanging teeny tiny baby clothes on their teeny tiny hangers, I remembered the incident & had a huge freak out. How did I not remember something so recent that was such a big deal to me, both emotionally & physically??

I had no idea what dissociation was back then, & I definitely had no idea I had dissociative identity disorder (DID). (This was years before I even had a bipolar diagnosis.)

Back then, I had no idea why my memory would glitch so severely.

Which caused me to wonder if the incident even happened or if my feelings regarding it were even valid.

Or if it was, in fact, real & temporary amnesia was part of the associated PTSD.

Unable to make a conclusion over the past six years, I never addressed the pain from that chaos & confusion.

To this day, one part of my consciousness believes we are supposed to be a mother. When she appears (comes forward within my consciousness), we experience all varieties of anxieties, deeply upset that our child is nowhere to be found.

For years, working in child care appeased those deep longings within. (Click here for our official Kwin's Care Services website. Click here for our related facebook page with daily posts.)

However, towards the end of 2014, I became too disabled to confidently care for kiddos, & I was led to close down my thriving business.

Ever since, we have struggled.

It helps to spend time at local parks, hearing children's laughter & having the blessed opportunity to observe them interacting with parents & each other. I focus on the joy whenever & wherever possible.

Still, there is an ache within me that I know not how to truly relieve.

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