As I conclude my third month of living in California, I pause from my piles of infinite work to reflect upon the personal progress I have successfully achieved.
I have gained a deeper understanding of my subconscious: from identifying more specific alternate states of consciousness, to recognizing what & how coping tricks are effective, I have made huge progress in this mental health recovery healing journey as I work hard, day & night, to reclaim my personal power.
I now understand that my brain responds to my body with emotions rather than logical needs & sensations. When I am hungry, I feel nauseous & depressed. When I am thirsty, I feel anxious. When I am sick (such as a bad cold or the flu), I feel suicidal. Now that I can recognize these emotional experiences as desperate needs from my body, I can respond in significantly healthier ways top optimize my wellness on a more maintainable basis.
I have significantly reduced my consumption of (& need for) medical marijuana. It is still a necessity, but I use only a fraction of what I needed three months ago, & I no longer need it to start my day. This is indescribably uplifting progress & has taken more than anyone will ever know to achieve.
In the middle of September 2017, I established a few personal boundaries for my healing journey, titled "guidelines for seeking some stability." I have remained true to them all & I am proud as I reflect on how life would have suffered had I not stayed true to my goals:
Stick to a consistent bedtime, perhaps a ballpark of 2 hours. For now, it's 11pm-1am.
No concerts, wrestling shows, or loud events of any kind.
Only medical marijuana used cautiously; zero recreational use of weed allowed.
Daily intentional use of self-expression outlets.
Take photos every time I am enjoying myself, especially outings with friends.
If I can't escape the way I feel, write about it! Even just a few sentences on my phone if need be.
A week later, I wrote about a few long-term goals for my road to remission, this mental health healing journey:
Increasing communication with alters
Completely done with self harm
Establish a routine (even just a wake up and bedtime routine that's 15 min long or something)
Clean of harmful substances: caffeine, alcohol, psychiatric medications, pain killers, etc.
One month later, as October 2017 began its descent, I reflected on the treatment goals I had achieved thus far:
reduce severity & frequency of self-harm
begin to identify & communicate with alters
do what's best with medications: for me, it's staying away completely (clean sice August)
begin video journals/ blogs (been a goal for 2+ years)
increase level of self-awareness & personal observations I make
grow more vulnerable & hopeful & insightful in sharing my journey
reduce substance use; eliminate substance abuse
achieve goal of attending church weekly
establish & consistently follow a daily routine
increase awareness of & compassion for abusive alters
I am so immensely proud of all my parts of consciousness & how we've worked together to embrace existence & explore our darkness as we fight for the healing we deserve.
"Kristin" is the collective parts of my entire consciousness, which is around 20 parts. (I am still learning about all my incredible parts.) Regardless of who is present, we fight for this life; we fight harder than anyone will ever know.
In the past many months, despite the harshness of life's never-ending changing winds, we (referring to Kristin as a plural pronoun, which is my version of normal) have made even more progress. On April 12, 2018, I journaled, "What quantifiable progress have I made? (for my own encouragement)"
achieved the ability to love even my destructive alters & gained ability to communicate & work with them like never before
stopped cutting & overall severely decreased self-harming habits
progress identifying alters & regaining access to childhood memories, including blissful youth days growing up on the farm & the depression that hit during ninth grade
stopped all psychiatric treatment & medications
significant decrease in TV binging/ watching & remaining bedbound
decrease in suicidal ideations (even when the feeling is present, I no longer plot my death)
I dream of the future & actively work towards it, investing in my health & purpose daily, relentlessly
ability to catch, identify, & effectively cope with triggers, even the harsh & severe ones
Cheers to embracing this healing journey, despite the darkness, regardless the pain & problems it presents.
Thank you for joining this healing journey, soul friends. The Kristin Chronicles would be a lonely journey indeed without YOUR presence. :)