Kristin asks, "What affirmations does Monika need? What was left unsaid back then, when she began existing at age 14, that I needed to hear to feel validated, accepted, & loved?"
Kristin took some time to reflect upon 9th grade, back at age 14 during high school, reflecting upon what Monika may have been feeling & experiencing & struggling with. How did she perceive the world? How did she interpret the world around her, & how did that reflect upon her own personal self-worth?
After reflecting upon Monika's thoughts, feelings, & memories, Kristin proceeded to write: "I want to hear what you have to say, Monika, because I love you: you are loved; you are lovable; you are lovely & loving, & you will be loved, the rest of your life, by many people. "You are not powerless. You are not helpless. You have a choice. You have a voice. You are not a prisoner; you are not stuck; you are not being held captive. You are not under the pressure to be someone you’re not. You do not need to rely on any religion to heal yourself, to feel like a whole person again. All you need to do is get to know yourself & love yourself, & things will improve from there. "You are safe because you are worth protecting. No one shall harm you as long as I am with you. You have nothing to fear, my child. Be with me, & be at peace. I invite you to rest in the comfort of my presence. "I know the temptation is difficult, my darling, my beautiful, but please do not pursue substances or self-harm to ease the pain you feel, to make you feel more comfortable being in your own skin & functioning in this crazy society & messed up world with hidden cruelties that people refuse to acknowledge. You are worth so much more than that, & I assure you—I promise you, my beautiful darling child—-that if you pursue a path, not of righteousness & purity, but of honesty, integrity, wholeness, wellness, child-like bliss (rather than the hardened heart that you use to provoke a more disgusting humour than you ever would have wanted to be your own as a child)… I beg of you, do not cave in to those temptations. Pursue better things!, & you will find what you are looking for, in time. You must be patient, & you must be willing to pursue the path of perseverance, but I promise that you WILL make it & it WILL be WORTH it. "Everything you feel towards your parents is valid. They should have protected you; they should have looked out for you, instead of pointing out that something’s wrong & responding in anger or selfishness or whatever was comfortable for them at the time. They should have been there. But they were not, & that hurt you, & I’m sorry.
"Everything you’re feeling is VALID, & I want you to know that, to believe that. You are allowed to feel these feelings; you’re allowed to be angry—so angry that you go jogging until you can’t breathe anymore & you pass out after throwing up; so angry that you scream & cry into your pillow at the top of your lungs as if someone was just murdered in front of you; so angry you drive 20, 30, 40 miles over the speed limit, subconsciously hoping to crash & end your life.
"You are allowed to feel those things, but you are not allowed to live in that land of feelings. You must not focus only on those things: you may focus on them for a time, but you must keep it in balance & perspective with everything else; if you are going to put those feelings under a microscope, put the good feelings under a similar microscope too.
"I love you, Monika. I'm so sorry you've experienced so much pain in your life, & that you've been suffering in silence for ten long years. I know I'm not perfect & I make mistakes & sometimes let people down, but please believe me when I promise that I am fighting harder than you know to help get us to a better place where we can feel safe & even joyful. Please, hang in there, holding onto the faith that life will change for the better with time, & that you are no longer the powerless, helpless, isolated Monika you were ten years ago. You're allowed to come out, be yourself, express yourself, even enjoy yourself. Please feel free to write back to me if you'd like. I hope you know that, despite our arguments & frustrations, I truly do love you."