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I'm Jealous of You.


I Envy the “Normal,” the Healthy-Brained People.

I’m jealous that you know what happiness feels like.

I’m jealous that laughter & smiles are a regular part of your life, no matter what challenges life may present.

I’m jealous that your family understands you & loves & supports you & feels a deep connection with you.

I’m jealous that your family & friends didn't give up on you or assume the worst of you.

I’m jealous that you have long-term friendships because people don’t get drained by you.

I’m jealous that people see your abilities & intelligence consistently.

I’m jealous that you’re able to remember the good times & the people who love you even when you’re feeling really down.

I’m jealous that you can travel, even just a couple hours to stay with a friend for a night, because you’re stable enough to do so.

I’m jealous that you can sleep: you can fall asleep; you can stay asleep; you can sleep in if there’s time; you can even sometimes take naps!

I’m jealous of you because you don’t experience full body tremors while trying to relax or fall asleep.

I’m jealous that you don’t dread the morning or fear the night every single day.

I’m jealous that you don’t question your reality on a daily if not hourly basis.

I’m jealous that you’ve never desired death—I mean, TRULY desired it, fantasized about it, even planned & attempted it.

I'm jealous that self-harm has never been a thought for you, much less a ten year addiction.

I'm jealous that you're ignorant about what psychosis is; I'm even more jealous that you've never battled it, much less had a decade of experience with it.

I'm jealous of your normal range of emotions & mental responses & your ability to somewhat control them.

I’m jealous that you can set goals & achieve them through basic self-discipline & determination.

I’m jealous that you can hold a job for more than three days.

I’m jealous that you have a stable enough mind to maintain a stable enough job to have money not only for basic bills but for occasional fun or adding to a savings account.

I’m jealous you finished your bachelor’s degree & are considering applying to grad schools.

I’m jealous that you not only have a general life plan but have the mental capacity to achieve those goals & conquer those dreams.

I'm jealous that you can sit down & read a book if you choose to, like a normal human being.

I'm jealous that your mind has a balance of light & dark, while mine is dominated by darkness.

I’m jealous that you don’t have to go to endless doctor appointments & therapy sessions & try endless medications with no progress, no improvement, no room for hope…

I’m jealous that your brain operates at a more consistently stable & functional level than mine.

I’m not that jealous of who you are; I’m not even that jealous of your life particulars. I am simply jealous of your ability to have an identity & a life because you have what I truly am jealous of: a stable, healthy, operational, functioning brain.