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Part 4 of The Captive.


On April 16, 2015, I posted a blog about healing from an aging trauma--namely, my rape from April 2011.

Little did I realize that the trauma would be repeated just a short month later.

Entering The Night

How did I land in this situation again!? Why did I trust to a fault? How did I arrive at a house that felt like home only to awaken to a nightmare of my own reality?

It was a series of unfortunate events. In October 2014, my family cut me off after I was diagnosed with mental illness. In September, October, November, & December 2014, & January 2015, I moved, staying with whomever would take me in while I was disabled, broke, & unemployed. In May 2015, I was asked to leave the home I was staying in because of a morally questionable job I'd attained. I went right to my best friend's house where I felt safe & at home.

My second night there, it was a friend's graduation party. Substances wandered the house & most people partook. Laughter, drinking, & dancing filled the night with bliss & pleasure.

I'd worked that day & then partied all night. Exhausted, I began the hunt for a spare bed to crash on. The only one available belonged to, let's say, Joe, who was still up partying hard. He gave me permission to use his bed for the evening.

I proceeded to take my sleep medication I was on at the time, Ambien. (Little did I know, due to a miscommunication with my doctor, I was taking double the maximum dosage that's FDA approved.) I went to bed, satisfied with a fulfilling day.

Proof of Malice

We'd been friends since August 2013. At times, we'd been more than friends. I didn't know the corners of his soul like I would've liked to (surely, I tried incessantly & consistently to get to know this young man's heart), but I believed I knew him well enough to trust that he would never intentionally hurt me.

But on the morning of Saturday, May 16, 2015, something happened that proved this man's untrustworthiness--that revealed his dark, despicable motives & morals.

I awoke shortly after falling asleep, it felt like. Heavily sedated, I couldn't even fully open my eyes. It felt like a dream, so I wasn't concerned with the details, like who this man on top of me was or what he was doing. His face was blurry; I actually thought it was somebody else. He was inside of me. I couldn't tell if I was conscious or not, but it all felt irrelevant because I truly believed it was a dream. You don't fight dreams; you just let it happen.

It's considered rape if "the victim is: Incapable of understanding the sexual conduct; Doesn’t consent; Unconscious, asleep, or otherwise can’t consent and the defendant knows this." In Colorado, this could be a Class 4 Felony, which, if convicted, would've meant 4-12 years in prison, a $2,000 to $500,000 fine, & 3 years mandatory parole.

Unfortunately, no charges were pressed.

When I awoke that morning laying next to Joe, I immediately knew something went horribly wrong, but it took a few moments to realize what had actually happened. I felt afraid, ashamed, & violated. I went to the living room to try & get more sleep. While laying down, the girl Joe had been seeing for several weeks came over & disappeared into his bedroom for the entire morning.

I felt used & disgusting. No amount of showers could make me feel clean.

I began experiencing severe PTSD symptoms. My anxiety was instantly multiplied by a thousand. My thoughts raced, replaying the incident over & over again in my mind. I had intense flashbacks of that murky night & all the events leading up to it.

I beat myself up for trusting Joe & allowing myself to be in that situation, but my anger was mostly directed at him for using me in such a disgusting manner, & also directed at our friend group for being accepting of his actions. I felt so betrayed.

I had nightmares & night terrors for months. I began avoiding anything that reminded me of that group of people or of that incident. I stopped socializing as much. My thoughts & feelings grew very negative & dark.

All the symptoms of PTSD possible, I experienced severely for several months.

An important lesson was learned from this horrible situation. I learned that it's important to keep moral boundaries regardless of friendship loyalties. This friend group was so wrapped up in the ways I could damage Joe's life by pressing charges that they neglected to acknowledge that he did something terribly wrong that will stay with me forever.

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